Of Broken Hearts And Goodbyes

If you know me well enough, you’d be aware that one of the most important things for me in life is relationships. Not just with a special someone but relationships in general. I believe that a measure of how well you’ve lived your life is through the relationships you’ve built along the way. Some last a lifetime, some last a few years, some a few months.

The relationships I treasure most are family, friends and of course that special someone.

I’ve gone through a lot in my life. I wouldn’t say I’ve been dealt a harder life than most, different, difficult but each of us have our sets of challenges. So it’s not for me to say that my life is harder than others.

However relationships, especially the one I shared with my ex-girlfriend is very special to me. One that I’ve found so hard to give up and manage. Despite the countless heartaches and trials.

I guess it’s different when you’re in a relationship with someone like me. Someone who’s going through a battle with Pompe’s disease. There are sets of challenges that at the surface seem insurmountable. Once upon a time she saw past through that and loved me for who I am. Not what my physical status was but for the person that I was. For that I will always thank her and she will always have a place in my heart.

She gave me hope when I could find no reason to go on. For 10 years that we’ve known each other she give me one more reason to live. There were several reasons to live, don’t get me wrong. But having her made it easier.

I’ve always believed that people should at least feel love once in their lives. True love. I felt it with her in the past. A love that was unselfish.

Circumstances brought us apart. She had to move to a place far away and we could not sustain our relationship the way it was. I tried though. Even saving up for a year to fly to New York to see her. That to this day is the best 1 1/2 months of my life. I came home flat-broke but happy.

However none of the things I did was enough to endure this much time and distance.

Now, almost 10 years to the day we first met, we have to say goodbye to each other. Our paths have finally drifted apart. Funny, God allowed us to be friends this long only to start pulling us apart. I’m not blaming him. There must be a reason for it all. What I don’t know.

She has found someone else. Someone that she feels can make her happy. While I am wishing her all the best and blessings in the world, I need to walk away. It’s pretty ironic how much I love someone and yet I can’t bear to be “friends” with her anymore. It hurts too much.

I will always love her. I don’t think time will change that. I will always care about what happens to her. It’ll probably just be from the distance.

I feel sad and frustrated. How did I lose someone who loved me so much before. How could I let her slip between my fingers when there was once a time when she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Yet now that’s not the case.

For the first time in my life I feel really terrible that I have Pompe’s disease. I feel terrible that it has robbed me of a chance to move to a place wherein I can be closer to a person that I love. I hate the fact that it took away my ability to wrap someone I love in a warm embrace. Maybe just maybe if I could do that all the love I feel inside can transfer to her. Maybe she can love me back as she once did.

Goodbye’s are hard. It’s 10 years worth of memories. While we spent majority of it away from each other. Still. It’s 10 years of knowing a person. Developing a friendship that transcends oceans. We’ve managed to stay friends even though continents seperated us.

I’m not sure why God allowed us to remain friends all these years only to make it so hard now to remain so. I love her and I honestly would like to be friends with her but I just can’t stand the sight and the knowledge that she’s with someone else. It’s too painful.

I’m really sad I lost what I think is the love of my life. Fearful I’ll never find the real love of my life. This incident really pounded my sense of self worth. If she could walk away from me, the person whom I thought never will then what more other people. She’s already a special person capable of seeing people for who they are, I’m just not sure there’s someone else like her.

God… please make the pain go away. Please give me hope that I’ll find someone else. I honestly don’t want to live the rest of my life alone.