We had our regular “Household” or group session for Singles For Christ. It was held here in my house. The topic for tonight was about forgiveness. The reflection and question was something like, “who is/are the people that you’ve had a bad relationship with and that you’d like to forgive?”. It’s not verbatim but it was something like that.
The discussion was quite good. I won’t discuss the details since most of it is private and were shared by other participants in confidence. I’d like to share my thoughts though.
There are only 2 people in this world that I’ve gotten hurt so much that it almost came to a point that I hated them. I said almost, because hate is such a strong term. I think if I say I hate someone there’s probably no turning back. I would despise them for the rest of my life. It takes a lot for me to get to that point. In fact it takes a lot for me to get angry or resent a person that I would find it hard not to forgive. These 2 people came close.
One of them was my grandfather. I loved him a lot. I was also his favorite grandson. Being the first grandson, I spent the most time with him and got to know him the most from all of my cousins. It’s true also that the more you love a person, the more they can hurt you. So I guess when I got hurt by my grandfather it was severe. He didn’t even hurt me directly. He just did some things that affected me a lot.
I’ve forgiven him but it’s sad to say, not to the extent that we were able to bring back our relationship as it was before. I always told myself, one day I will. That day never came. He died before I could really patch things up with him. I was ready, pride just got in the way. I didn’t want to go to him and be the first one to make a move. Why? Because he was the one at fault. Not me, so I wanted him to make the first move. In hindsight it was wrong. I should have swallowed my pride and made things right. I will never get to. That’s one of my biggest regrets.
As for the other person. I’m just not ready yet. I don’t know if I ever will be. I hope so, because I also don’t want a time to come when it’s too late as well. However I just find it hard because unlike my grandfather, this person hurt me directly. In order to truly forgive someone, there must be resolution to the difference between both parties. It’s just not the case here. No amount of sorry can resolve the matter. I guess that’s my biggest problem. I want things made right, I don’t know if they can ever be.
I honestly pray to God that a time comes when I’d be able to fully forgive even without resolution. It’s hard to live life when you have something heavy on your shoulders. I don’t hate the person. In fact, it’s void. I don’t know if that’s worse. At least hate is an emotion. A void is nothingness. I guess God and time will tell.
On a happier note, there were some sayings/thoughts that came across my mind while having our discussions. Stupid sayings really. I twisted some of the stuff the other people were saying to amuse myself. Here are some…
bq. It’s better to forgive than be forgotten.
bq. He who loves most, loves last.
bq. Kid falls down and the dad helps him up.
Dad: Son, why do we fall?
Son: Gravity. (It should be, so we can learn to pick ourselves up.)
Not really funny? Well it sounded funny at that time. Maybe it was the late night…